Today is my pre-op Colon Blow, so in an effort to distract (read: torture) myself I thought I’d provide some running commentary (read: self-pity) on the day’s events. No, I won’t be taking my laptop with me into the bathroom, but I will be recording my thoughts—and perhaps, hallucinations—as the day progresses and I get further and further from that last tasty morsel of real food.

What you see above is my “Light Meal” as defined by the guidelines in my Fleet Prep Kit #3: The instructions say I can have one boiled or poached egg or some skinless chicken or fish, one slice of white toast—no butter, and an 8 oz can of Ensure. Since that didn’t sit particularly well with me (and I’m pretty sure I understand the rationale for the specifics), I modified it in the following ways: I hate egg yolks (yeah, I know, picky picky) so I had two whites instead, and I fried them without added fat in a nonstick pan instead of boiling. I haven’t eaten white bread in years—even under these circumstances I couldn’t bring myself to buy a loaf. What would we do with the rest of it? Instead I picked up some plain English muffins—similar calorie count, and not a whole grain in sight. It’s virtually the same thing, and I figured that by the end of this long and gruesome day it’ll all be cleared out anyway. And there was no way in hell that I was going to drink one of those canned Ensure shakes—just the thought made me gag—so I subbed a glass of pulp-free OJ (which is on the Approved Clear Liquids List). That’s probably my worst offense: the Ensure has 6 grams of fat and 250 calories, compared to zero fat and 150 cals in the OJ. I’m guessing this means I’ll be hungry earlier, since fat helps slow digestion and makes you feel full longer. Oh, well! I suppose you’ll be hearing me whine a little sooner.

As for the taste of dry-cooked egg whites on dry English muffins: Well, there ain’t much to speak of. I don’t generally use a lot of fat in cooking anyway, and I eat my toast with just a whisper of butter, but eliminate that greasy goodness completely and you’ve created a joy-free eating experience. And when egg whites get cold…well, let’s just say I ate it faster than I probably should have.

I’ve laid in lots of “goodies” to ease me through the day: lemon Jell-o (since red & purple varieties are contraband), yellow and orange popsicles, more OJ, and of course my homemade chicken soup. Tune in frequently to see just how loco this Colon-Blowing blogger gets…